As I walked through my front door on that cold winter evening, I felt agitated and exhausted from the ninety-minute traffic-filled drive from my 9-5 job. I was absorbed in my anger when I began to yell at her furiously.
For that brief instant, it felt like I had entered a wormhole and travelled back in time.
The flashback brought me to my childhood when I was a young boy walking down the hallway to the last apartment on the right.
I abruptly stopped, leaned against the door entrance, in fear, listening to the incoherent angry voice in the distance. I was shaking. I heard my father's furious screaming in another one of his rages.
I could feel my chest tighten. I was terrified.
Feeling like my home then was not a home. Feeling homeless, yet again.
I felt lost and frustrated.
After my violent verbal outburst at my partner, I walked out of the room. I retreated in my man cave, where I was faced with the sobering realization that I had re-created my own toxic childhood home.
I had become my father...
I remember thinking to myself… "What is wrong with me?"
I felt ashamed…
Up until this point, I had achieved so much in life. I had sports cars, vacations, luxury houses, and I even lost 48lbs. From the outside, it seemed as if I had it all together.
But at that moment, I realized I was not fulfilled. Like there was a deep hole inside of me. Surely there was more to life and relationships than this… I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was living a life that was not my own.
"I want to feel calm and free from so much responsibility and overwhelm."
"I want to feel safe, understood, and supported."
"I want a home filled with love and happiness."
Deep down in my heart, what I really wanted to create was a life filled with intimacy, fulfillment, and joy.
And then I felt shame and guilt when I realized I didn't know how. I thought I was doing all the right things.
Years later, in a last attempt to save the marriage, we moved to Costa Rica. That magical place significantly accelerated my healing and transformational journey, where I was confronted with the truth that I was not in the right relationship with myself or with her.
When my second marriage finally ended, I was determined to do things differently and create my own happiness from within.
My self-love journey began.
I embraced expansion, growth, and transformation on every level.
I attended a personal development event where I discovered sooo many of my own blind spots!
I just didn't know what I didn't know. But for the first time, I was able to tap into a part that felt like the authentic self within me.
I recognized my true soul desires, made new commitments, and saw myself falling in love with the empowerment that self-growth and self-awareness gave me: the introspection, the insights, and the shifts.
I felt the spark of life again. I had discovered a new passion. At that moment, I instinctively knew that if more people would recognize their patterns and embrace their wholeness by self-loving, they would feel empowered and stop the vicious cycle of manifesting and creating the same type of poor relationships over and over again.
I wanted to help others, although I didn't know how to help myself... yet.
So I made the decision to pursue a new career that gave me the possibility to help others, enjoy a freedom lifestyle, and stay in Costa Rica.
I was finally choosing for myself.
This little jungle was not about materialism; life was simple; it was a great place to heal and discover who I truly was.
I committed to staying single and pursuing my passion. I committed to greatness and growth.
I became a licensed coach; I read countless books to learn about human relations. I travelled the world to attend workshops and completed hundreds of hours of seminars and training to become the best coach I could be. I immersed myself in retreats to do the deep transformational work.
I HONESTLY THOUGHT I HAD THIS THING FIGURED OUT BUT LITTLE DID I KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE TEST WITH THE NEXT WOMAN I MET.
That's where I learned that there is only so much you can learn about yourself from seminars, workshops, and being single. However, being in a relationship is where we uncover the deeper layers of ourselves and where we meet and go to heal our deepest and darkest wounds.
This is why aiming to have the best relationships takes courage!
Despite a loving and intense connection, we triggered each other's wounds, big time! I witnessed every single unconscious pattern getting magnified.
I was confronted with a relationship that tested my values, challenged my boundaries, and highlighted my lack of self-worth. Ignoring all the red flags and giving too much credit to the green ones.
Even though I instinctively knew she was not right for me, I continued down that road to what proved to be a karmic relationship, where I was forced to face the darkest parts of myself that needed healing.
Those parts of me that subconsciously were attracted to a wound based relationship looking to heal the unresolved issues from my unavailable, angry father.
Finally, coming to the understanding that I was still looking for love in the wrong place, again, I decided to put an end to it and walk away, even though letting go was not easy.
IT TOOK COURAGE TO CHOOSE MYSELF AGAIN.
After this break-up, I realigned with my values. I committed never to abandon myself again or rely on another to define my self-worth.
I embarked on a healing path and rediscovered my spiritual essence. I uncovered an even deeper layer of myself by going on sacred medicinal journeys, a 10-day silent meditation called Vipassana, and a two-month intense immersion with a spiritual guru.
I finally detached from my (B.S.) belief systems, stories, and break my old patterns. I forgave my father for not knowing how to be there for me when I was a boy. I healed so much of my wounded masculine and came to embrace that I am whole.
I found home within myself. Completely.
I had finally understood and embodied that love truly does start within.
Relationships are simply a reflection of what’s going on in our minds and in our hearts, and until we find the most intimate self-love, we’ll often repeat pattern after pattern with the ones we love.
Today, my relationships are in alignment with my values, they are wholesome, authentic, honest. I feel safe, understood and supported.
And now, just a few years later, I find myself here writing this, realigned with my true path and essence.
Assisting hundreds of beautiful souls around the world to remember who they are through the self-love journey.
I think back on that younger and confused man who wanted to experience joy in his relationships and assist others in doing so.
I now live a life with no regrets, and I am so grateful for the abundance and beauty around me.
And without noticing, I started to experience what I wanted to experience in relationships while being single. How unexpected!
If you are still on your quest...
Please know there is nothing wrong with you… the path to your heart leads to yourself. To rediscover that you are whole.
As a great man once said, we are all just walking each other home.
The capacity to see the joy in everything is within you.
Welcome home, you are whole.