Blame or Responsibility? You choose.

Nov 17, 2020

How happy you are is proportional to how much of your life you're prepared to take responsibility for.

One of our greatest fears is that we are not in control of our lives and destiny.

However, I would argue that an even greater fear is that we ARE in control in some ways.

It's convenient to think fate or others' actions control our lives because it gives us excuses and escape routes for the perceived failures we have in our lives.

Look around your life right now at everything you have and get ready to be very honest with yourself.

Who is responsible for where you are in your life?

Who is responsible for the job you have, the house you live in, your relationship, and the love and tenderness you have together? or if you are single, do you give yourself the joy and care you desire?

Who is responsible for the state of mind you were in this morning about something you can't even remember?

Your partner, parents, children, teachers, society, social media, friends, the yappy chi·hua·hua next door? The list is endless.

Yes, things "happen" in our lives. Things that we cannot control. But there are many things we can control, including how we respond and the actions we take next.

This is an opportunity to take responsibility.

Whether you agree with me or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is the energy that you bring to your life and your relationships.

If you bring an energy of:

"It's not my fault" - "I didn't do anything wrong."

How will your partner experience you? How will that energy make them feel?

The energy that comes with:

"I'm a victim" does not redeem the day. It is the energy of a wounded child complaining, not willing to adult.

You might get uncomfortable as you read this, then I say, good. This is the invitation to get curious and explore what lies behind this reaction.

--

I had a huge wake-up call after my last marriage dissolved. Where I realised I was not taking responsibility for a lot in my life.

I have a long term wound of not feeling good enough. I blamed everyone for it and became an angry victim. 

It was always "everyone else's" fault when things didn't work out the way I wanted them to.

Historically I blamed my teachers, friends, family, society, government, and yes, I would always blame my partner, just about every single time.

Yes, shit had happened to me in my life, but I was grabbing hold of these stories and holding them like they were gold. I told such good stories that I was buying into them every time I retold them to myself. Heck, if you tell yourself something enough times, it begins to feel like they are fact and true!

But, I was projecting these wounds of not being good enough now onto my partner and just like I had to myself a thousand times before.

I was silently projecting on to her that she was in la-la land, that she wasn't successful enough, not happy enough, and always complaining about something. 

It seemed blatantly obvious when I saw it but had never seen it this way before.  

So I took responsibility, and I recall writing a letter to her while we were separated. I told her the truth about what I had been doing for our entire marriage.

It was in that act of telling her, taking responsibility, is where the journey began.

I was owning the parts of myself that I had silently been projecting onto her. 

And as I did, I started to lighten. I felt good and saw something lift in myself. 

The thought that I don't have to continue to feel the way. It felt expansive. It was like I'd removed a ton of weight off my shoulders.

My projections had created a subtle sense of bitterness between us, which I hadn't even seen until that moment.

Being honest and taking full ownership of my projections created the space, lightness, and safety in the relationship that had been missing.

Not everything has a happy ending. It was too late for us. Too much had transpired. Too many years of dysfunctionality had passed.

But it didn't have to be that way in my future relationships. So I embarked on my self-love journey, and I've never felt more whole and free in my life.

They say that how happy you are is directly proportional to how many difficult conversations you have. It wasn't' until that moment that I realised that the most important ones are those you have with yourself.



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