One of the most significant social dysfunctions we have is we validate our self-worth based on our relationship status. So the premise is that if someone chooses us, we are worthy of being chosen.
So, we send ourselves a message that "my self worth is in the act of being chosen," not us consciously doing the choosing.
Essentially, we count on someone outside of ourselves to be responsible for our value, validate, and accept us.
We cannot be blamed entirely for this phenomenon because there also is this acceptable societal hierarchy when it comes to relationships. If we are married, we are at the top of the pyramid. Engaged is below that and single almost at the bottom. If we are divorced, we are shamed and relegated, even lower than being single.
What is disturbing about this pyramid is that we tend to value ourselves and other people with that same criteria. We assume that someone single is miserable and "should" have someone. Or even worse, there is something wrong with them.
So, the less we value ourselves, the more we buy into the notion that if "I am single, I am not being chosen," and if "I'm not chosen, I must not be worthy, or something is wrong with me". In turn, we feel shame, guilt, and maybe even fear of being alone.
We begin self-sabotaging by the abandonment of self in very subtle ways at first and then almost entirely. It translates into accepting lifestyles that are not in alignment, behaviors outside our boundaries, not living our values, and eventually, we further self-sabotage by staying in those relationships.
When we live in that place of lack of self-love, we self abandon by choosing unavailable partners for the sake of being seen, accepted, and justify to satisfy this need to be "in a relationship". Cleverly masked as an emotion, we call "being in love". But, when the honeymoon phase has passed, and both parties settle into old patterns, negative biases, fears, and insecurities, we blame it on our partner for having "changed". (even though this can happen in a negative way, such as abuse, violence, etc..) and we further feel like we are disconnected from them.
However, oftentimes, when we don't love and choose ourselves unconditionally, and our partner does not choose us (being at hell yes all the time), we feel a disconnect from them. We eventually self-sabotage by starting fights, to get their attention, causing drama, by acting out our own stories of lacking worth and eventually think about cheating. Again, seeking for something we lack internally, that we are looking for in another person.
This phenomenon is universal regardless of our relationship status. Those of us that are single choose unavailable partners to start relationships with, and those in relationships who stay in dysfunctionality. Most often to fill the unhealthy need to be chosen and call it convenience. We even stay "for the children" when it's really an abandonment of self and using children, lifestyle and security as a justification to stay, and we settle.
So until we do the internal work, transcend our past hurts, forgive ourselves for our past behaviors, learn new patterns, embrace our anxieties, and fearlessly accept that we are worthy of better, we will continue to live a life of mediocrity.
Real transformation comes from seeing and choosing ourselves first and by doing this allows us to choose our partner from a place of empowerment and not desperation.
The Alive & Thrive Show is here! Join us as we explore this topic at a deeper level at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDZgCMR7fhw