We often have a hard time letting go of people that are not a good fit for us or not choosing us back as they should.
But one of the absolute requirements of a relationship is that both people choose each other.
It may sound weird, but this is the absolute truth.
It's a contract agreed upon by BOTH souls.
And if only one person agrees, it's not a relationship; it quickly becomes a "situationship."
It becomes someone hurting, wishing, grasping, and engaging in childlike behaviors.
So often, we don't realize that this hurt comes in at an early age when we had a parent or caregiver not there for us when we needed them the most, and so we are magnetically drawn to these people that don't entirely choose us and are not there for us as well.
It may sound too obvious, but part of the prerequisites of a relationship is someone that chooses you back. A all in, despite the challenges that a union brings.
Because it's in those challenging moments is when we turn towards each other and...
I used to have this habit of staying in a situation well past their expiration date. I used to give everything the time to work itself out, often naively attaching to someone and something that was so damn toxic.
I won't feel guilty or apologize because I tried to see the good in people and circumstances, even though it cost me my own well-being.
Putting the relationship before my own needs was my standard operating system. Often, self abandoning, forgetting that I too can get broken. That I too can feel all the feelings or numb them when they hurt too much.
I most often tried to keep something together and forgetting the reasons why.
Maybe to avoid the pain.
Maybe to avoid the depths I needed to go to feel all my feelings.
Maybe to avoid walking away because the pain of the known often was better than an uncertain future.
This journey requires us to connect to the truth that something easy should not feel forced.
Something beautiful should flow, not remain stagnant.
Most of us have...
When relationships end, we find ourselves at a fork in the road with two paths.
We can do what most people refer to and "move on" and then go from one person to the next, looking for the one soul that is a good match and "completes us."
OR we can embark on a transformational healing journey.
The first path guides us to see our relational breakdowns and patterns as only something that is outside of us - only see what is wrong with the person we were with and say things like "they were so _______," or make it about us and say things like "I am so ______. I should have ________."
OR the second path, where we can choose to observe the pattern as something more profound - as our lifework to do in a relationship.
If we choose the first path, we will continue to create the same type of relationship.
A relationship filled with different but similar challenges. We will experience the same predictable ups and devastating downs and the inevitable letdown as things fall apart.
If we choose the...
In this video, I talk about how past abandonments you could get extremely anxious when going through a breakup. If you were abandoned by a parent you might be particularly vulnerable to losses.
Wherever we experience an ending, there is a part of us that feels lost. We often feel disconnected from who we are; in many ways, we lose a form of identity and leave us suddenly in a place of despair and reactivity.
especially at the beginning phases the little boy or girl in us feels afraid. We feel this sense of insecurity, of a perceived turbulent future.
We now need to get back on our feet, move on, find another place (if we're living together...) most often leaving us with this feeling of what the future brings forth.
Whenever there is a big change in our life, we are often left feeling uncertain of where life will bring us. It's perfectly understandable to feel like your world has collapsed. But ALL of your worlds has not. A big part, yes, but not all of it.
It is our responsibility to self-soothe, self-trust, and grow that security within and not put someone else or a relationship in charge of that.
In order to process and move through past endings, the mind begins to construct stories and narratives of why the ending happened and what the breakup means about you.
This can be a really difficult part of the process because if we haven't looked at the deeper beliefs we hold about ourselves consciously and unconsciously, then our feelings of unworthiness and the story we've been telling ourselves our whole lives will receive the evidence it is looking for.
By connecting deeper to the stories and what they mean, we are able to better process the heartbreak and better understand and build more awareness. So you know more and build strength and courage with what you do know and learn from it.
That being said, not all the versions of your story are a true representation of you or a reflection of you.
In this video I talk about how staying in contact with our exes, during the healing phase of a breakup can actually be extremely harmful and stop our healing progress.
3 Easy Ways We Can Get Started Together.
1. IDENTIFYING YOUR PERSONAL VALUES - FREE 5-STEP WORKBOOK
A practical book with exercises that will help you discover what you truly value so that you can create the life that you are in love with.
Access the workbook at https://www.mikefanelli.com/values
2. or the UnRelationship Blueprint -https://www.mikefanelli.com/unrelationship-blueprint
3. or Radical Self Care Boundaries https://www.mikefanelli.com/selfcare